Grief is a natural reaction to loss, which manifests itself in emotional pain or sadness. It can occur when you lose someone or something that you care about.
Grief can be experienced in other circumstances, such as the loss of a pet or the death of a public figure. It can also manifest itself as the loss of something you consider important such as losing your job, your friend moving abroad or breaking up with a partner. In the job that you undertake at Personal Care Services, you may have already experienced grief in the loss of a client or staff member who may have moved on to another job.
The grieving process affects everyone differently. Grief is a personal experience that can be complex and unpredictable. You may experience:
- Intense constant grief immediately after your loved one’s death, which gradually changes into unprovoked waves or burst of intense feelings.
- Intense grief that comes back at a later stage. Reawakened grief.
- Delayed grief, which is an intense grief response that can start weeks, months or even years after the death of your loved one. It may happen if you don’t have the opportunity to grieve properly, such as being busy looking after a family member or a business.
Reawakened and delayed grief may come out of the blue, or by experiencing something triggering. For example:
- an anniversary
- a familiar smell or sound
- the loss of someone else you love, such as a family member or a public figure.
Though grief is a completely unique experience, it tends to get easier to manage in time. But for many, the grieving process will never be fully completed.
The grief you experience when you have lost someone to suicide can be more complex and intense. For some who have witnessed a loved one’s condition deteriorate or a clients, they may experience feelings of relief that the person is no longer suffering, which can be followed by guilt. It is important to remember throughout the process of grieving that if you feel guilty, there is likely nothing more you could have done for the person. If you feel you made mistakes, it’s good to recognise that we’re all human and we all have weaknesses, so we must allow ourselves to acknowledge that we did our best under the circumstances.
As your feelings of grief subside, this does not mean you didn’t care enough – it is natural that you begin to refocus on living your life.
Grief can impact both your physical health and mental health. It can also result in social or emotional reactions, such as having no desire to engage with others, behaviour changes or feeling a range of emotions like guilt and anger.
Common physical issues are:
- disturbed sleep
- changes in eating – such as eating too much, too little, or comfort eating
- physical symptoms of anxiety, such as nausea, palpitations or panic attacks
Common feelings in response to grief are:
- shock and numbness
- overwhelming sadness, crying
- tiredness or exhaustion
- confusion
- anxiety
- anger, this might be towards the person who has died, God or a religious figure, or their illness
- guilt, maybe about how you feel, or something that you did or didn’t do
- intense feelings of loneliness
- withdrawing from social contact
You may experience positive feelings when going through the grieving process. As humans, we are wired to hold opposing or contradictory feelings at the same time. Keep in mind that grief is fluid and this is part of how we cope. You may also believe you see or hear your loved one whilst experiencing intense grief. These are known as auditory or visual hallucinations. These experiences do not mean that you are developing a mental illness.
While grief is very personal and everyone’s grief response will be different, there are some commonalities in the grieving process. Studies on grief theory suggest that grief has different stages which can form a cycle, though it’s worth noting that there is no specific order in which these are experienced. The most common stages are:
Denial – feeling numb, shocked or in disbelief. You may feel panic or confusion. Some people at first carry on as if nothing has happened while you process it.
Anger – feeling hostility, resentment or bitterness. You may blame yourself or others or direct your anger towards the person who has died.
Depression – feeling sadness, longing, tiredness, hopelessness and helplessness. You may feel isolated or like life no longer holds meaning.
Bargaining – feelings of guilt or vulnerability. This can often prompt “what if” or “if only” statements as you look to regain control and want to feel like you can change the outcome.
Acceptance – while it may feel like nothing will be right again, gradually most people find the pain eases and it’s possible to accept the loss. You may acknowledge the implications of the loss and be prepared to learn to live again and move forward.
Talking about grief and your experience is an important step of the grieving process for many people. Take this step when you feel ready. Your counsellor at PCS is here in both a confidential and supportive manner in order to listen to you when you are ready, there is a drop-in session every Tuesday 5pm-8pm as well as one to one session that you can book with her. If you would like to speak to your counsellor you can text, ring or email. Jaime can be contacted on jaime@personal-careservices.co.uk or 07399 809671.
